The True Cost of Modern Dating for Young Men
Swiping has become the new form of mating in modern society. With everything there are trade-offs. In the long term is swiping worth the price, especially for men?
What’s the cost of dating in the modern world?
A recent CNBC article noted that some singles are forking over hundreds — even thousands — of dollars each month in the hopes of finding love.
This isn’t an accident. It’s by design.
The revenue model of popular dating apps like Hinge, Tinder, Bumble, and Match is predicated on paid users. It shouldn’t come as a surprise that the best matches go to the best customers.
But the issue with modern dating isn’t the cost of the dating apps themselves. It’s the impact it’s having on our society, specifically the effect it’s having on men.
Dating apps eliminate the challenge that goes with searching for a potential mate. In doing so, they deprive young men of the opportunity to become men. What used to be a ritualistic process of entering into manhood — meeting a girl in the wild and facing the prospect of rejection — is no more. As a result, boys don’t have a process to prove themselves and they don’t have a way for them to publicly enter the ranks of manhood.
Without a process to become a man, the brains of young men are literally being rewired. Their sexual needs are being met with a never ending stream of porn, while dating apps make it easy for them to continually stroke their egos with a single swipe. Rejection is all but eliminated from the equation. Today’s “men” are merely boys who have become permanently trapped in childhood.
This has profound implications for society writ large. Boys who never grow up never become providers. They have no need to challenge themselves, so they don’t. They are only concerned with meeting their immediate short-term needs. Without a source of accountability outside of themselves, there’s nothing to push them beyond a place of mediocrity and complacency.
It’s not just about dating. If a young man doesn’t have the courage to ask a girl for her number when he’s out at a bar, how can you expect him to muster the courage to negotiate a business deal or take criticism from a client? If young men aren’t becoming leaders in their private lives, how can we expect them to lead in public?
The ease of swiping has created an entire generation of weak and emasculated men who are coddled by the safety and security their phone provides them. Why try if they don’t have to?
This essay is a social critique of dating apps, starting with the impact it’s having on men. Dating apps have changed how we interact with one another and the mating rituals that come with the transition to adulthood. We’ve tolerated the inclusion of dating apps into our lives without thinking through the long-term impacts of these apps. The results have disastrous consequences for our economy: the destruction of the family unit, fewer births, and as many economists are beginning to warn — the possibility of economic collapse.
Boys need to prove themselves. They no longer have an opportunity to do so. They’re becoming weak and emasculated as a result.
Turning 18 may make you a legal adult in the eyes of the state, but it does not make you a man. That is a separate process for every individual and every society has its only rituals for helping boys make the transition.
Outside of the United States, tribal cultures require boys to complete a rite of passage to become a man. This typically entails completing a task that generates public acknowledgment by a group of male elders affirming that a boy is no longer a boy. The process is ritualistic and requires a boy to display competency in performing a certain skill — self-defense, hunting, etc. In these societies, you don’t simply become a man because you hit a certain age, you become a man because you’ve proven yourself to be one.
The closest thing we have to a male rite of passage in the United States is dating. Rather than going on a hunting expedition, young men in America “hunt” for mates. This often happens on the weekends at social watering holes — first at college parties, then at bars. The process requires young men to publicly put their egos on the line. In many ways, facing rejection bruises their ego and toughens them up. Over time — and with enough trial, error, and heartbreak — boys become men. They find a partner, settle down, and eventually take on the role of providing for their new family.
The introduction of dating apps has eliminated this entire process. What seemed like a novelty when Tinder launched in 2012 is now a social requirement for modern dating. Most singles are on multiple platforms at once, like Hinge, Bumble, Match, and Coffee Meets Bagel. There’s even been a proliferation of specialty apps for specific identities: Grindr for the LGBTQ community, Christian Mingle for Christians, and FarmersOnly for country folk.
Now, instead of having to muster up the courage to ask a woman for her number or propose going on a date, young men just swipe. There’s no challenge to swiping. There’s no opportunity to bruise your ego. And there’s no accountability. Young men can get everything they need in the short term with just a few taps on their phones. This perpetually shields their ego from the pain that comes with growing up.
To be fair, this isn’t unique to young men. Women, too, partake in the new ritual of dating by swiping. And the results for women are just as disastrous. Women have commoditized themselves, selling their bodies and their souls to the lowest bidder. But that’s a separate essay for another time.
The process of swiping eliminates the dating ritual entirely. And thus, the process for young men to become men. The result is the absence of having to endure emotional adversity to find a mate. It renders young men emasculated and weak, stuck in adolescence. It’s no wonder we live in a society that feels coddled. Start looking at our young men. It’s easy to see why.
Final takeaway.
Depending on where you are in life, you might be oblivious to what is happening in society. Maybe you’re blissfully unaware of the plight that is modern dating.
Dating is an important part of not just growing up, but becoming an economic participant in our society. Boys who never become men never grow up to become the providers, innovators, and leaders the rest of us need to thrive.
If you look at it from this perspective, you might start connecting some dots. Things like gender fluidity, political correctness, and overall softness didn’t emerge in a vacuum. It’s part of a larger trend whereby young people have no process to grow up and become responsible for their own lives.
For young men in particular, they’ve become completely emasculated. There is no process for them to prove themselves or for them to validate their role in society. No one is holding them up to a higher standard and affirming the true value they actually do provide.
While this might seem like a superficial commentary on a shallow social problem, rest assured it’s not. There are real economic consequences to all of this lurking in the shadows. According to Pew Research, 63% of men under the age of 30 are single. Men are having less sex than ever before. And the replacement birth rate has plummeted.
This isn’t just about going to a bar on a Friday night and failing to find the courage to ask a girl out. It’s about keeping the American experiment going. If we’re not mating and reproducing, we are not creating new participants for our economy. Simply look at China, Japan, and South Korea to understand what will happen in the United States if we do not start having serious conversations about the demographic cliff we’re slowly edging towards.
The proliferation of dating apps may not seem like a big deal, but they have fundamentally reframed what it means to be a man in today’s society. By giving young men the option to swipe, they’ve eliminated the challenge that comes with proving yourself worthy of manhood altogether.
Fortunately, the solution to dating apps is quite simple: stop using them. Technology only has as much power as we give it. An iPhone is only an iPhone so long as you power it on. When it’s turned off, it’s just a brick of plastic and metal.
For America to be strong, individual Americans have to first be strong. We need to challenge ourselves and push ourselves to escape the confines of complacency and mediocrity. Doing so starts with holding young men accountable for their actions.
So, for the young men reading this, I have a challenge for you. Put your phone down and go ask her out. Rejection won’t kill you. It’ll only make you — and the rest of us — stronger.