Just because you have kids doesn’t mean they will take care of you. I remarked to my mother once, that if she came to live with me she would put me in a grave.
Sometimes the children have developmental disabilities, mental health issues, drug addition. So the children stay with the parent. They might live in the house until they die.
If the parent shows the child abuse, neglect, abandons it or ignores it. That parent has taught that child a behavior that may not be undone.
Not all people should be parents. So many bad parent, absent parents, and it will continue should they procreate. A burden on society, families, government etc.
The early feminist wanted freedom to choose whether or not to be a mom, have her own money, have legal rights. We didn’t just want to be nurse, teacher, Librarians, or moms. We could do more.
After watching a variety of women have babies and being pulled in a variety of ways. I can honestly understand why the birth rate is down. Sometimes the person who marries realizes that they married a child, why have another?
The current society norms are changing and the fact that might help people change the whole approach to motherhood. At last count over 300,000 minors from immigrants holding areas are missing. They will probably go into prostitution etc. we have no laws to protect them much less take care of them, we don’t know where they are. That’s just immigrants, what about Native American, white, African American, the list goes on.
How about paying mother to stay home for periods of time to help when it gets tough, and why can’t this be done for men as well. I have read where the men are fighting to be home with their kids and winning. Maternity leave works both ways.
The hardest hit class or group of people is the middle America. There are no job protections, no pensions, no child care centers with licensed professional. Housing is out of sight and you either rent someplace in a good neighborhood or you buy in an iffy neighborhood with iffy schools.
So you have three classes of people stupid rich, or poor, or barely making it.
Back in the middle 1970s we as young adults were into several streams, college kids, secretaries, mechanics, dropouts, or left behind. I jumped out of being a secretary and into college because I never wanted to be in poverty with children. I would never want that for any person or kid.
It is now 2025 and I wouldn’t recommend college to anyone. I would recommend trade schools, learn something in STEM, hairdressing, construction, carpenters, electricians, or working on establishing your own community of mutual interest people who can buy up a town and structure it for themselves long term.
I am not depending on my family to take care of me. It is not their responsibility. I am developing a network of friends to drive them home when the car shop has their car, to a doctors appt., to grocery shop for someone.
Is everything perfect?, Nope. Do I regret not having children nope. Am I wealthy? Nope. I am somewhat middle class, retired, not traveling, staying home, and reading Substack. Still love my husband and living each day. It is the best I could hope for and worked for.
I really appreciate you adding your perspective here. There's a lot more nuance to this issue that I definitely didn't dive into.
Your point about male maternity leave and stay at home adult children is well taken. Men play a role in this issue too. I called out childless cat ladies here but this could also have been an essay on all the men who have vanished from the workforce. You could ask the same thing about guys who live in their parents basement and play video games all day.
I have an autistic brother who's about to turn 30 and still lives at home. On the one hand, he does work. But because the value of the benefits he receives from disability is greater than the amount he could earn at his job, he can't have a full-time job. So he's contributing to the system, but he's also drawing from it and spending his free time engrossed in video games.
Who pays for him later on in life? Is he my responsibility because he's my kin or is he the state's responsibility because it has handicapped his economic viability?
There's an element of drawing boundaries and defining personal responsibility for yourself. But as you note, you're developing a network of friends so there is also a communal aspect to it.
There isn't one answer. But I think too many people assume there's a safety net waiting for them and for a lot of reasons, that safety net might not be there. Do we wait to find out, or do we start investing in a risk mitigation plan -- saving for retirement, having a family, building a strong social network -- today?
Not to one up you, I am the oldest for four, the third sibling has schizophrenia. She lives in my deceased mom's house and hopefully it all works out. She isn't under a doctors care, and it is a not great situation. We as a family have no problem with her staying there, it is what my mom wanted. We have asked her to please file for disability but she doesn't and we have no legal way to demand or take the reins to do this for her. I know there are tons of people in the same or similar situation. My second sister said that eventually she will take her in but she needs time to clear her mind, and her husband is dying of cancer. shit, right.
When did just living be cause for celebration?
how did it get this bad for everyone?
I don't have answers or suggestions. I think we will just find out what works and what doesn't as we get there.
Most of the never married and childless women I know are doing fine financially. I mean, they're often crazy and miserable (not all, but many) but not having kids and earning lots of money means most retired early with plenty of investments and savings. They live like I did in college - travel and parties and a new guy every month - superficially happy I guess but sad now that they're in their 50's and this is their life, but they have money.
I think "superficially happy" is a good way to describe it.
I know someone who fits into this group. She's in her early 60s and has no kids. She has a new boyfriend every week, travels a lot, and goes off to do things like Burning Man.
On the one hand, I hope she's living her best life. She has the means to do so so why not? But on the other, in 20 years when she needs help, is there going to be anyone there for her?
Immigration is huge. I think it's the primary stop-gap measure Western countries are looking to use to curtail demographic collapse. Of course, we're seeing how that is creating a whole host of issues in the short-term.
I really appreciate you sharing your perspective on this from your own personal life. Your mind changes when you become responsible and accountable to someone else.
In a recent piece I wrote about how Millennials are experiencing arrested development. I think this has put my generation in a position where we aren't being held responsible for the well-being of others. As a result, we're not even thinking about these bigger picture issues. You can't imagine life for your wife after you die but for young people this isn't even a thought that has probably crossed their minds.
There are so many pressing issues in society right now. Everyone gets old and dies someday. If we aren't willing to look after each other who will?
Boy, I really have a lot to say.
Just because you have kids doesn’t mean they will take care of you. I remarked to my mother once, that if she came to live with me she would put me in a grave.
Sometimes the children have developmental disabilities, mental health issues, drug addition. So the children stay with the parent. They might live in the house until they die.
If the parent shows the child abuse, neglect, abandons it or ignores it. That parent has taught that child a behavior that may not be undone.
Not all people should be parents. So many bad parent, absent parents, and it will continue should they procreate. A burden on society, families, government etc.
The early feminist wanted freedom to choose whether or not to be a mom, have her own money, have legal rights. We didn’t just want to be nurse, teacher, Librarians, or moms. We could do more.
After watching a variety of women have babies and being pulled in a variety of ways. I can honestly understand why the birth rate is down. Sometimes the person who marries realizes that they married a child, why have another?
The current society norms are changing and the fact that might help people change the whole approach to motherhood. At last count over 300,000 minors from immigrants holding areas are missing. They will probably go into prostitution etc. we have no laws to protect them much less take care of them, we don’t know where they are. That’s just immigrants, what about Native American, white, African American, the list goes on.
How about paying mother to stay home for periods of time to help when it gets tough, and why can’t this be done for men as well. I have read where the men are fighting to be home with their kids and winning. Maternity leave works both ways.
The hardest hit class or group of people is the middle America. There are no job protections, no pensions, no child care centers with licensed professional. Housing is out of sight and you either rent someplace in a good neighborhood or you buy in an iffy neighborhood with iffy schools.
So you have three classes of people stupid rich, or poor, or barely making it.
Back in the middle 1970s we as young adults were into several streams, college kids, secretaries, mechanics, dropouts, or left behind. I jumped out of being a secretary and into college because I never wanted to be in poverty with children. I would never want that for any person or kid.
It is now 2025 and I wouldn’t recommend college to anyone. I would recommend trade schools, learn something in STEM, hairdressing, construction, carpenters, electricians, or working on establishing your own community of mutual interest people who can buy up a town and structure it for themselves long term.
I am not depending on my family to take care of me. It is not their responsibility. I am developing a network of friends to drive them home when the car shop has their car, to a doctors appt., to grocery shop for someone.
Is everything perfect?, Nope. Do I regret not having children nope. Am I wealthy? Nope. I am somewhat middle class, retired, not traveling, staying home, and reading Substack. Still love my husband and living each day. It is the best I could hope for and worked for.
I really appreciate you adding your perspective here. There's a lot more nuance to this issue that I definitely didn't dive into.
Your point about male maternity leave and stay at home adult children is well taken. Men play a role in this issue too. I called out childless cat ladies here but this could also have been an essay on all the men who have vanished from the workforce. You could ask the same thing about guys who live in their parents basement and play video games all day.
I have an autistic brother who's about to turn 30 and still lives at home. On the one hand, he does work. But because the value of the benefits he receives from disability is greater than the amount he could earn at his job, he can't have a full-time job. So he's contributing to the system, but he's also drawing from it and spending his free time engrossed in video games.
Who pays for him later on in life? Is he my responsibility because he's my kin or is he the state's responsibility because it has handicapped his economic viability?
There's an element of drawing boundaries and defining personal responsibility for yourself. But as you note, you're developing a network of friends so there is also a communal aspect to it.
There isn't one answer. But I think too many people assume there's a safety net waiting for them and for a lot of reasons, that safety net might not be there. Do we wait to find out, or do we start investing in a risk mitigation plan -- saving for retirement, having a family, building a strong social network -- today?
Not to one up you, I am the oldest for four, the third sibling has schizophrenia. She lives in my deceased mom's house and hopefully it all works out. She isn't under a doctors care, and it is a not great situation. We as a family have no problem with her staying there, it is what my mom wanted. We have asked her to please file for disability but she doesn't and we have no legal way to demand or take the reins to do this for her. I know there are tons of people in the same or similar situation. My second sister said that eventually she will take her in but she needs time to clear her mind, and her husband is dying of cancer. shit, right.
When did just living be cause for celebration?
how did it get this bad for everyone?
I don't have answers or suggestions. I think we will just find out what works and what doesn't as we get there.
Most of the never married and childless women I know are doing fine financially. I mean, they're often crazy and miserable (not all, but many) but not having kids and earning lots of money means most retired early with plenty of investments and savings. They live like I did in college - travel and parties and a new guy every month - superficially happy I guess but sad now that they're in their 50's and this is their life, but they have money.
I think "superficially happy" is a good way to describe it.
I know someone who fits into this group. She's in her early 60s and has no kids. She has a new boyfriend every week, travels a lot, and goes off to do things like Burning Man.
On the one hand, I hope she's living her best life. She has the means to do so so why not? But on the other, in 20 years when she needs help, is there going to be anyone there for her?
I guess maybe that's what The Villages are for.
Immigration is huge. I think it's the primary stop-gap measure Western countries are looking to use to curtail demographic collapse. Of course, we're seeing how that is creating a whole host of issues in the short-term.
I really appreciate you sharing your perspective on this from your own personal life. Your mind changes when you become responsible and accountable to someone else.
In a recent piece I wrote about how Millennials are experiencing arrested development. I think this has put my generation in a position where we aren't being held responsible for the well-being of others. As a result, we're not even thinking about these bigger picture issues. You can't imagine life for your wife after you die but for young people this isn't even a thought that has probably crossed their minds.
There are so many pressing issues in society right now. Everyone gets old and dies someday. If we aren't willing to look after each other who will?